Al Dente

Almost Edible Photo: Banana Split Cupcake

From flickr. And get this--it's vegan. VeganYumYum has a recipe for it.

--Spanno

Almost (In)Edible Photo: Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburgers

From flickr, via...THE DEVIL. Either that, or it's from a Google cafeteria in New York. Apparently they serve Krispy Kreme bacon cheeseburgers, a.k.a Luther Burgers.

--Spanno

4th of July Recipes, Day 1: Bacon-Wrapped Scallops

Today we kick off a mouth-watering week of 4th of July recipes. From appetizers to dessert, we'll make sure your menu is dynamite.

Scallops are sweet, meaty, and delicious by themselves. They don't really need anything to make them better. However, if you wrap them in bacon, you get an amazing appetizer or salad topping that's perfection in its own right.

Ingredients:
2 pounds large scallops
8 slices of bacon
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons olive oil
black pepper to taste
8 wooden skewers

Directions:
1. Soak wooden skewers in water for an hour before using.
2. Combine vinegar, oil, and black pepper in a medium bowl.
3. Add scallops to mixture and toss to coat. Cover and allow to sit for 5 to 10 minutes at room temperature.
4. Preheat grill for medium-high heat.
5. Cut bacon into thirds. Wrap a piece of bacon around each scallop and thread onto skewers. There should be 3-4 scallops per skewer.
6. Place on a lightly oiled grill rack and cook for 3 minutes per side. When the scallop is opaque in color, remove from grill and serve.

This recipe is courtesy of About.com.

--Spanno

Weekend Recipe: Hummus

My favorite summer snack, paired with a cold Hefeweizen and plate of veggies, is hummus. There's nothing like being able to gorge yourself on that creamy, tangy mush knowing it's relatively healthy. This is why, in my opinion, it beats out spinach dip and ranch dip. Here's a modified version of my father's recipe.

Papa Spanno's Hummus

Ingredients:
2 cans garbanzo beans
1/2 cup Tahini
1/3 cup olive oil
1/3 cup warm water
3 teaspoons chopped garlic
1/2 cup lime juice
2 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon ground pepper
1 teaspoon sea salt
Frank's Red Hot (just a shot or two)
Cayenne pepper

Directions:
1. Dump everything but the cayenne pepper into a blender and blend until smooth.
2. Pour into a bowl and sprinkle with cayenne and a little olive oil.
3. Serve with a plate of veggies and cold beer.

--Spanno

Martian Asparagus Coming Soon?

And by "soon" I mean "not in your lifetime". Hence the question mark.

NASA scientists report that the Mars Phoenix Lander's latest soil analysis indicates high alkaline levels. Sam Kounaves, a scientist on the project, stated, "It is the type of soil you would probably have in your back yard, you know, alkaline. You might be able to grow asparagus in it really well. It is very exciting for us."

This may explain why Martians are usually depicted as being green.

--Spanno

Almost Edlibe Photo: Huckleberry Ice Cream

From Sibby's Organic Zone Ice Cream Parlor in Viroqua, Wisconsin.

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: The Naked Lobster Roll

From flickr, via Lobster Shack in San Francisco. Lobster Shack serves up two versions of this sandwich--one with mayo, called The Maine Lobster Roll, and one without (pictured). Can someone from the east coast explain why lobster needs to be drenched in mayonnaise?

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: Kobe Steak Sashimi

From flickr, via Yoshi's.

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: Maple Bacon Donut

From Food in Mouth. This is Voodoo Donut's famous maple bacon donut. I've never eaten a better one.

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: New York Deep Dish Pizza

From flickr, via Andriaccio's in New York. Andriaccio's claims that this is Chicago style, but what do New Yorkers know about Chicago style pizza? Let's just call it "New York deep dish". Despite the cheese being on top, it looks darn tasty.

--Spanno

Al Dente Taste Test: Colas

Colas have come a long way from their humble drug store elixir beginnings. Now at the forefront of the multi-billion dollar beverage industry, colas incite passionate debate over taste, ingredients, marketing, and health.

The Guidelines
This was a blind test with six tasters and six colas. The colas had to contain non-artificial sweeteners (no "diet") and be widely available. We ranked the colas in accordance with the Wine Enthusiast 100-point scale:
<80:  Unacceptable
80 – 83:  Acceptable
83 – 87:  Good
87 – 90:  Very Good
90 – 94:  Excellent
94 – 98:  Superb
98 – 100:  Classic

The Contestants

Brand:  RC Cola
Company:  Cadbury Schweppes
Claims to fame:  great with moon-pies
Sweetener: high-fructose corn syrup
Taste: "tasted flat and sugary, like someone had let it sit out"; "plastic, synthetic aftertaste"
Ranking:  83

Brand:  365 Cola
Company:  Whole Foods
Claims to fame:  all natural; contains kola nut extract
Sweetener: cane sugar
Taste: "was very sweet but not in a fake sugary way"; "actual cola nut taste"; "tasted real"
Ranking:  85

Brand:  Coca-Cola Classic
Company:  Coca-Cola Company
Claims to fame: being "it" and "the real thing"
Sweetener: high-fructose corn syrup
Taste: "bland"; "very familiar taste"; "bubbly and sweet"
Ranking:  87

Brand:  Pepsi
Company:  PepsiCo
Claims to fame:  choice of a new generation; winner of the 70's "Pepsi Challenge"
Sweetener: high-fructose corn syrup
Taste: "too sweet"; "horrible"; "some chemical aftertaste"
Ranking:  81

Brand:  Mexican Coca-Cola
Company:  Coca-Cola Company
Claims to fame: no HFCS; can be found at Costco 
Sweetener: cane sugar
Taste: "surprisingly fruity"; "tastes like real sugar instead of chemical crap"
Ranking:  88

Brand:  Big K Cola
Company:  Kroger Foods
Claims to fame: it's cheap 
Sweetener: high-fructose corn syrup
Taste: "really bland"; "passable"; "not much flavor at all"
Ranking:  84

And the Winner is...
While none of the contestants cracked 90, the overall winner was Mexican Coca-Cola, with Coca-Cola Classic coming in a very close second. Sadly, Mexican Coca-Cola is only available a Costco. We all hope that corn prices will outpace sugar prices so that more "real sugar" sodas will come to market. I'm looking at you Dr. Pepper--quit hiding the good stuff in Texas. 

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: Peanut Butter Cheesecake Brownie

From flickr.

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: Meatball Sliders

Originally from Things We Ate for Dinner.

--Spanno

Burger King Creates King of Burgers

A Burger King in West London now offers a $200 burger available only once a week. The company claims it's all in the name of publicity charity and that they've sold 30 of them.

According to Sky News, "The fine ingredients of what is called simply 'The Burger' include Wagyu beef, white truffles, Pata Negra ham slices, Cristal onion straws, Modena balsamic vinegar, lambs lettuce, pink Himalayan rock salt, organic white wine and shallot infused mayonnaise in an Iranian saffron and white truffle dusted bun."

Despite the incredibly edible picture provided by Burger King's marketing department, my guess is that the real thing looks more like somebody sat on it. I'm sure there's a rich British William Foster just waiting to take that place down. 

--Spanno

Almost Edible Photo: Bacon-Wrapped Tater Tots

From Bacon Unwrapped.

--Spanno

Tater Tots for Adults

Pity those who went to grade school before 1954. In the same year that "under God" was added to the Pledge of Allegiance, Tater Tots were added to supermarkets, school lunches, and our nation's gastronomic heritage. Americans now eat 70 million pounds of Ore-Ida's french fry by-product.

For those who think Tater Tots are just for kids, think again. Tots have popped up everywhere from Burger King to your local bar and the interwebs are full of recipes for more grown-up versions of this popular cafeteria staple.

Tot Recipes:

• Adult Tater Tots (pictured) are from-scratch and include Brie, shallots, and bacon
• Bacon Wrapped Tater Tots call for wild boar bacon
• Pork Belly Tater Tots are stuffed with braised pork belly
• Chef Kennedy's Adult Tater Tots apparently go well with wine
• Tater Tot Salad
• Lobster Tater Tots
• Tater Tot "Gnocchi" Al Pesto, among other recipes from the official home of the Tater Tot

--Spanno

Charlie the Tuna Caught, Filleted

Ok, so it was more of kidnapping and chainsawing.

Two pranksters stole an 8-foot statue of Charlie the Tuna that used to greet visitors to Charleston, Oregon and later cut him up in order to move the body without anyone seeing. They were caught in the act by cops and charged with criminal mischief.

Ironically, "Charleston will honor Charlie on Saturday, June. 14, the same weekend Ellen Keeland of Loon Lake plans to create a new Charlie during the Chainsaw Carving Contest in Reedsport."

Charlie had seen better days, as his innards were hollowed and rotted by time and bugs. But the biggest surprise, discovered during the autopsy, was that he's 15% dolphin.

Read the entire gruesome soon-to-be-ripped-off-by-Law&Order affair here.

--Spanno

A Very Punny List of Stores

Best Week Ever has put together a list of the top 50 pun stores they could find on the internet. You can read the entire list here.

And now, some of the food-oriented puns:

--Spanno

Midweek Happy Hour: Cuba Libre

Someday I hope to legally take my wife to Cuba's Varadero beach resort for an anniversary and sip on Cuba Libres. In the meantime, I'll have to settle with making them myself.

First you need some real Coca-Cola. Not the HFCS stuff--the Coca-Cola made with real sugar (from Mexico) that you can sometimes find at Costco. I picked up a kilo case of Mexican Coke there last weekend. The last crucial ingredient is Cuban rum. Good luck finding that in your local liquor store, gringos. Curse you, trade embargo!

Cuba Libre

Ingredients:
2 ounces light rum (Havana Club, if you're a real baller)
Lime juice (about half of a lime will do)
Mexican Coca-Cola

Directions:
1. Squeeze lime juice into glass; add ice.
2. Pour rum over ice.
3. Fill with Coke.

--Excmo. Spanno

Get Readia for Stevia

What's 100 times sweeter than sugar, has no affect on blood sugar, no calories, is completely natural, and doesn't taste like chemicals? It's called stevia, and you're going to see a lot of it soon.

Stevia is plant in the sunflower family that is native to Central and South America. It's been used by local tribes for centuries. While other countries currently use stevia-derived sweeteners, it was only recently approved for consumption as a sweetener in the U.S.

Here are some stevia-derived products coming to a supermarket near you:

SweetLeaf Sweetener:  It has been on the market for a couple years as a "dietary supplement". The company claims it's the first stevia-derived product approved by the FDA as a sweetener. Look for the dark-green packets very soon.

Zevia:  Currently available in a few U.S. stores and online at http://www.zevia.com.

Truvia: A collaboration between Cargill and Coca-Cola. They plan to have packet sweeteners on the market by the end of the year. A Truvia-sweetened "diet" Coke can't be far behind.

--Spanno 

Grill Season Kick-Off, Day 1: Stuffed Jalapenos

Memorial Day weekend was the official beginning of grill season so all this week we're going to help get your summer rolling with our favorite grill recipes. Today's treat will not only kick off summer but it will kick your tongue into submission.

Bacon-Wrapped Cheddar-Stuffed Jalapenos

Ingredients:
12 large jalapenos
12 slices of bacon
1 brick of cheddar
dry rub for seasoning

Directions:
1. Rinse, top, and core the jalapenos.
2. Fill jalapenos with cheddar.
3. Wrap jalapenos with bacon just below the top and skewer with a toothpick.
4. Place jalapenos in to a pepper roaster like the one pictured. You can buy it here.
5. Grill on medium-high heat until the bacon is done and the peppers are slightly browned.
6. Sprinkle the tops with dry rub and serve warm.

--Spanno

Dangerous Detox Diets Debunked

Let's say you need to drop 10 pounds. How do you do it? If you had a couple months you could eat less, workout more--creating a calorie deficit--and lose a couple pounds per week. This method is sustainable and healthy. If you wanted to do it quickly you could use sanitized tape worms, cut off an arm, or start a trendy "detox" diet.

MSN Health & Fitness has a great article about three trendy diets: The Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet, The Master Cleanse, and Skinny Bitch.

In a nutshell, The Martha's Vineyard Detox Diet and The Master Cleanse are both crap, despite what some celebrity with a nutritionist and a personal trainer says. Essentially you starve yourself, which slows down your metabolism and burns muscle instead of fat. And the whole "detox" thing is completely bogus.

The only somewhat reputable diet is Skinny Bitch, which is merely a vegan diet lacking in nutritional balance. It was written by a model who refers to readers as "fat pigs", so don't be surprised if you go on the diet and only lose self-esteem.

--Spanno

Starbucks Called 'Slutbucks' Over Retro Logo

Mark "Clay" Dice, founder of the San Diegan Christian group "The Resistance", hates Starbucks' retro logo and has called for a boycott. And it totally would have worked had he not called for it after Starbucks' same-store sales went south.

According to Mr. Dice, the new image "has a naked woman on it with her legs spread like a prostitute. Need I say more? It's extremely poor taste, and the company might as well call themselves Slutbucks."

Two thoughts:
1. Mark seems to know a lot about prostitute procedures.
2. "Slutbucks"? Seriously? That's not very creative. "Seattle's Breast" works much better.

--Spanno

Al Dente Taste Test: Perfect Water

Touted as "the ultimate fluid to empower your body and mind", Perfect Water makes some lofty scientific claims. These include purification, re-mineralization, ionization, oxygenation,  and something called "microstructuring". Even their website is mum as to what that means. It reminds me of Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator from the movie Idiocracy, but without all the over-the-top advertising.

As a straight "taste" test, Perfect Water excels in that it tastes like nothing. In a blind test between this and plain water we couldn't tell the difference. There's a slight mouth feel difference (thicker?) to Perfect Water, but after a few swigs it's not noticeable. There was also the way we felt after drinking it. Everyone got a slight oxygen buzz.

In addition to scientific claims, they make performance claims that can be demonstrated with three simple tests. We conducted two--the flexibility and strength tests. First was a simple toe-touch. We all got a baseline for how far we could touch our toes. After just one ounce of Perfect Water and a few seconds to let the oxygen distribute through our bodies, there was a slight improvement--an inch or two. Not a miracle, but a decent improvement. Second was the tip test, which is explained and shown here. This definitely worked as advertised. I'm not sure how it works, but it's pretty cool.

Bottom Line:
Perfect Water will probably make a good workout drink. Not only is it water, it might have some performance benefits. As with any product that makes performance claims, results will vary. With the extra oxygen, you might feel a little extra energy--I hit the gym for an hour after drinking half a bottle and I definitely felt livelier--a little more flexible, and possibly stronger since the more oxygen you can get to your muscles, the better they perform.

You can buy Perfect Water only from select retailers.

--Spanno

Cop Assaulted by M&Ms--Clean-Hand Defense Fails

A college student attempted to bring down Johnny Law by pelting him with M&Ms. This drunk daring revolutionary's voice was quickly silenced.

"Sean McGuire was arrested early Sunday at a convenience store after Drake University security guards noticed the colored candies falling on the ground around the officer. When the officer turned around, an M&M hit his shoulder, according to a police report."

I prefer to assail The Man and his jack-booted thugs with Skittles. The rainbow metaphor is easier to get across (I'm protesting the military-industrial complex on behalf of all races and nationalities) and they taste like crap. I wouldn't want to waste M&Ms like that.

--Spanno

Mother's Day Recipes, Day 1: Banana & Nutella Pancakes

All this week we're going to be dishing out our favorite Mother's Day recipes. On Sunday impress her with Banana & Nutella Pancakes. I modified this recipe from the Batter Blaster website.

Banana & Nutella Pancakes with Hot Buttered Rum Sauce

Banana & Nutella Pancakes

Ingredients:
1 cup all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon white sugar
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 egg, beaten
1 cup milk
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
2 ripe bananas, mashed
Nutella (add to your liking)

Directions:
1. Combine flour, white sugar, baking powder and salt.
2. In a separate bowl, mix together egg, milk, vegetable oil, bananas, and Nutella.
3. Stir flour mixture into banana mixture; batter will be slightly lumpy.
4. Heat a lightly oiled griddle or frying pan over medium high heat.
5. Pour or scoop the batter onto the griddle, using approximately 1/4 cup for each pancake. Cook until pancakes are golden brown on both sides; serve hot.

Hot Buttered Rum Sauce

Ingredients:
4 ounces butter
1 cup whipping cream
1 cup dark brown sugar
3 tablespoons dark rum

Directions:
1. Melt the butter in saucepan, add brown sugar and heavy cream
2. Bring to slight boil
3. Remove from heat and add rum

--Spanno

Midweek Happy Hour: Bibi Cocktails

Since this is unofficial BibiCaffè week, I thought I'd share some potentially delicious BibiCaffè cocktails. I say "potentially" because no one from TSR Imports has sent me any free samples to experiment with (yet). Here are a couple gems. They're all quite simple. The full list can be found here.

Urban Camper

Ingredients:
3/4 ounce vodka
3/4 ounce Baileys
BibiCaffè

Directions:
1. Pour over ice
2. Mix
3. Enjoy

Bibi Alexis

Ingredients:
3/4 ounce Brandy
3/4 ounce Baileys
BibiCaffè

Directions:
1. Pour over ice
2. Mix
3. Enjoy

--Spanno

Food Lust: BibiCaffè

While sitting in my favorite Italian restaurant for lunch on Sunday, I decided to try something new (to me). BibiCaffè, a sparkling espresso drink, has been around since 1941 but I had never given it a second thought. "Sparkling" and "espresso" just didn't sound very good.

I was waaaay wrong.

Turns out it's pretty darn tasty. It's sweet, sparkly, and has a nice kick. My wife likened it to "chocolaty root beer". It's exactly what you'd expect Coke Blak to be if it were good. BibiCaffè is all-natural and has no HFCS.

It's hard to find in the U.S.--only a few states have it. You can also find it online here.

--Spanno

Slate Calls BS on PETA's Meat Prize

Just days after People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PITA) announced a $1 million dollar prize for a commercially viable in vitro meat, Slate has called it "bogus" and a "publicity stunt". You can read the article here.

The problem, according to Slate, is that in order to cash in on the prize money, "they need to move 2,000 pounds of the stuff at supermarkets and chain restaurants spread out across 10 states during a period of three months. And the Franken-meat can't cost more than regular chicken."

A company would have to make a significant and successful investment in order to get paid. That's like your parents bribing you to get a decent job, but only paying you after you've had the job for three months.

To top it off, the test tube meat would need to be approved by the FDA in record time in order to meet the prize deadline of June 30, 2012. To put that time-frame into perspective, sucralose (Splenda) was discovered in 1976 and approved by the FDA in 1998.

I wouldn't expect to see animal-free meat anytime soon. Scientists have been working on lab-grown meat since the early 20th century. You can read more about this in Popular Science. They have a great article about test tube meat--from 1936.

--Spanno

Food Brands That Don't Export Well

Most of the time when you read about brands that don't export well, it's U.S. brands like GM's "Nova" not doing well in South America, or Gerber baby food creeping people out in Africa. This time it's foods brands that just wouldn't work in America.

From racist Australian cheese, to bowel-moving candy, the fine folks over at the Commercial Archive have come up with a giggle-inducing list sure to offend some American's delicate sensibilities.

--Spanno

A Cupcake Waltz

What's next, a muffin minuet? I assume this is an American waltz. Please let me know if I'm wrong.

--Spanno

Wendy Gets a Speaking Role

Wendy's has recently beefed up (sorry) their marketing and menu. They've given Wendy a speaking role, added a new catch phrase, slogans, and introduced a couple new sandwiches. Let's break it down.

New catch phrase:  "It's waaaay better than fast food. It's Wendy's." That's four A's. I bet there was a long and heated marketing meeting about the number of A's. I've been in meetings like that. It's a strange feeling to get mad at someone over how to spell aaaa word.

New marketing slogan:  "At Wendy's, we're unrivaled in our passion for giving people what they want — and uncompromising in giving people what they deserve." Now, I'm a little concerned about that last part. I thought that was Santa Claus' job.

New burger:  "The Spicy Baconator". Wendy's combined the Baconator with their jalapeno pepperjack burger to create this 880 calorie tongue-melting, heart-stopping frankenburger.

New breakfast menu:  Wendy's now has "Custom Bean" coffee and a "Maple Baked Frescuit". I'm not sure if the "Frescuit" is made with Fresca or is just freshly baked. And "Custom Bean"? WTF does that mean? Again, this was probably the result of a long and heated marketing meeting. Hopefully it doesn't have anything to do with genetic modification.

--Spanno

What to Cook This Weekend: Salmon Burgers

It's Spring and that means fresh salmon is starting to show up in grocery stores. You won't be able to find any wild chinook (king) salmon, but you can still get PCB-fortified farm-raised salmon and wild Alaska salmon. No matter what kind of salmon you get, you should definitely make salmon burgers this weekend. This recipe is courtesy of Emeril Lagasse.

Ingredients:
2 1/4 pounds salmon fillet, skinned, pin bones removed
1/2 cups panko (Japanese bread crumbs) or other dried bread crumbs
1/2 cup minced scallions
1/4 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro leaves
2 teaspoons minced fresh ginger
1 egg, lightly beaten
1 teaspoon sambal oelek chili paste
1 teaspoon minced garlic
1 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup plus 1 1/2 teaspoons soy sauce
1/4 cup sugar
3/4 cup mayonnaise
3 cups shaved purple cabbage
3 cups shaved green cabbage
1/2 cup shaved red onion
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons vegetable or peanut oil
3 tablespoons rice wine vinegar
2 teaspoons toasted sesame oil
1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 tablespoon toasted sesame seeds
Kosher salt
6 sesame rolls or other soft hamburger buns, for serving

Directions:
1. Using a sharp knife, cut the salmon into 1-inch pieces and transfer to the bowl of a food processor. Pulse until the fish is finely chopped. (Take care not to overprocess or salmon will become a paste.) Transfer to a mixing bowl and add the panko, 1/4 cup of the scallions, 2 tablespoons of the cilantro, minced ginger, egg, sambal oelek, garlic, 1/2 teaspoon of the salt, and 1 1/2 teaspoons of the soy sauce. Using a rubber spatula, mix gently but thoroughly to combine. Divide the mixture into 6 even portions and shape into patties about 4 inches wide and 3/4 inch thick. Transfer to a parchment-lined baking sheet and cover with plastic wrap. Refrigerate while you prepare the mayonnaise and slaw.

2. In a very small saucepan combine the remaining soy sauce and the sugar and cook until reduced to a syrup, 2 to 3 minutes. The soy-sugar mixture should coat the back of a spoon. Set aside to cool completely. When cooled, add 1 1/2 tablespoons of the soy glaze to the mayonnaise and refrigerate until ready to serve the burgers. (The remaining soy glaze may be kept indefinitely at room temperature and used to drizzle on grilled salmon or grilled tuna.)

3. Combine the purple and green cabbages, remaining 1/4 cup of scallions, the red onion, 1/4 cup of the vegetable oil, rice wine vinegar, remaining 2 tablespoons cilantro, sesame oil, remaining 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and crushed red pepper, and toss thoroughly to combine. Transfer to a serving bowl and sprinkle with the toasted sesame seeds. Refrigerate while you prepare the burgers.

4. Heat a large skillet over medium-high heat and add the remaining 2 tablespoons of oil. When the oil is hot, season both sides of the salmon burgers lightly with the kosher salt and add the burgers to the skillet and cook, turning once, until golden brown on both sides and the salmon is just cooked through, about 3 1/2 minutes per side. Serve the salmon on warm buns, garnished with the soy mayonnaise and the sesame slaw.

Serves 6.

--Spanno

Burger King Wants to Pimp Your Whopper

The Whopper turned 51 this year and Burger King plans to celebrate by opening a string of bars later in the year. Instead of serving alcohol, they're going to get you drunk on a highly-potent combination of flame-broiled beef and choice.

"Customers will be treated to a smorgasbord of Whopper options" and "will also feature a build-your-own option for customers hoping to customize their burger."

Personally, I love this concept. Limited selection with hyper-customization. It would be like GM opening a Hummer-only dealership. They should take it one step further and just serve Pepsi--not only for the comedic value, but to keep me from going there altogether.

Little known fact: I've never eaten a Whopper.

--Spanno

Top Five Food-Related Threats, March Edition

Here are the top five food-related threats facing the world this month.

#5. Downer Cow Peddler, Steve Mendell
On May 12, 2008, Steve "Mad Cow" Mendell, president of Westland/Hallmark Meat Co.,  was hauled in front of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce's Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations, better known as HCOEACSOOAI, to answer toothless questions regarding a video that showed "downer" cows being forced to enter slaughter chutes. As everyone knows, only the healthy ones go quietly. The video led to a recall of all beef produced in that Chino, CA facility--143 million pounds--since February 1, 2006. Roughly 100% of that beef had already been consumed, most of it by kids, but it's the thought that counts, right?

#4. Food Network Siren, Paula Deen
Paula hates your heart and is trying to stop it. After numerous cardiac assaults with fried butter balls, bacon-wrapped fried mac 'n cheese, and Velvetta and butter fudge, she dropped her MOAB (Mother of all Burgers) this month: the bacon, egg, and cheese burger on two donuts. It solidified her as an evil genius bent on keeping our mouths watering and hearts fibrillating.

#3. Starbucks' Shift Supervisors
Over the past eight years, these evil "agents" of Starbucks stole $100 million from Starbucks' California baristas. The coffee proletariat revolted against their bourgeoisie masters and a San Diegan judge ordered the capitalist pigs company to pay over $100 million in back tips to the baristas. Despite performing the same duties as baristas and pulling down a whopping $1.50/hour extra, Starbucks' shift supervisors, according to California labor laws, are "agents" of Starbucks, and cannot be given money from the tip jar.

#2. Chip Pimp, Steven Colbert
Last week on the Colbert Report, Colbert announced that the show's Pennsylvania presidential primary coverage would be sponsored by his long-time political sponsor, Doritos. Doritos is owned by Commie-loving PepsiCo.--the first American cola in Russia. Pepski just finalized a $1.4 billion deal to buy Russian juice maker JSC Lebedyansky, solidifying their stake in Russia's soft drink market. American democracy is sponsored by various multi-national corporations, which sharply contrasts Russia's Gazprom-sponsored democracy. So until Colbert gains two or three more sponsors, every time he sinks his teeth into those Sweet Spicy Chili chips, democracy dies a little.

#1. Pop-Tarts
A study released this month stated that breakfast is extremely important for kids who don't want to be fat. A pediatrician interviewed for an article on the study specifically called out Pop-Tarts as not being breakfast worthy, despite their essential vitamins and minerals. Two conclusions can be reached from this: Pop-Tarts will make you fat--which is the same as not eating breakfast--or eating Pop-Tarts is worse than not eating breakfast. I guess it really doesn't matter--according to Pillsbury, every kid's school locker is filled with uneaten Pop-Tarts and the kids just end up eating their friend's Toaster Strudel.

--Spanno

Easter Eats: Smith Island 10-Layer Cake

The Smith Island Cake, a Maryland tradition, is poised to become the state's official dessert. True, this isn't a standard Easter recipe, but I guarantee that if you show up for Easter festivities with a chocolate-drenched 10-layer cake, you won't be turned away. You could try bringing bibbibabka, the official dessert of Mypos, but someone might get hurt. This recipe is courtesy of NPR.org.

Smith Island 10-Layer Cake

Ingredients (Frosting):
2 sticks butter
2 12-oz. cans evaporated milk
8 heaping tablespoons unsweetened cocoa
2 lbs. confectioners sugar

Directions (Frosting):
1. Melt butter. Stir in evaporated milk (off heat).
2. Whisk in cocoa until smooth, return to heat and cook for approximately 10 minutes. DO NOT BOIL or scorch.
3. Remove from heat and whisk in confectioners sugar slowly.
4. Cook slowly until thickened and will stick to back of a spoon or to the whisk. (It will form a ribbon when you drizzle a spoonful onto mixture while cooking.)

Approx time: 45 minutes.

Ingredients (Cake):
2 cups sugar
2 sticks unsalted butter, cut into chunks
5 eggs
3 cups flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 heaping teaspoon baking powder
1 cup evaporated milk
2 teaspoons vanilla
1/2 cup water

Directions (Cake):
1. Cream together sugar and butter.
2. Add eggs one at a time and beat until smooth.
3. Sift together flour, salt and baking powder. Mix into egg mixture one cup at a time.
4. With mixer running, slowly pour in the evaporated milk, then the vanilla and water. Mix just until uniform.
5. Put three serving spoonfuls of batter in each of 10 9-inch lightly greased pans, using the back of the spoon to spread evenly.
6. Bake three layers at a time on the middle rack of the oven at 350 degrees for 8 minutes. A layer is done when you hold it near your ear and you don't hear it sizzle.
7. Start making the icing when the first layer goes in the oven. Let the layers cool a couple of minutes in the pans.
8. Put the cake together as the layers are finished.
9. Run a spatula around the edge oft the pan and ease the layer out of the pan. Don't worry if it tears; no one will notice when the cake is finished.
10. Use two or three serving spoonfuls of icing between each layer. Cover the top and sides of the cake with the rest of the icing. Push icing that runs onto the plate back onto the cake.

To Ice the Cake:
Take one slightly cooled layer and spread with cooled frosting. Add crushed candy randomly on layer. (Reese's cups, Snickers, Milky Ways or whatever your favorite is — candy is optional as well.) Add next layers, frosting, candy and repeat process till the 10th layer. Do not add candy to final layer. Finish frosting the cake and sides. You may have to wait to ice the top and sides until the icing cools.

--Spanno

Al Dente Taste Test: Vitamin Enhanced Water

The "vitamin enhanced water" market began in the late 90's and has only increased in popularity, thanks in part to (now) Coke's Glaceau Vitamin Water. So is this stuff any good? Aside from the occasional Vitamin Water, the Al Dente team had never had anything this market now offers. Consequently, we put seven of these juice-free juggernauts to the test.

The Guidelines
This was a blind test with eight tasters and seven vitamin-enhanced flavored "waters". The water had to be non-carbonated, not diet, and all were similar in flavor (berry). We ranked the water in accordance with the Wine Enthusiast 100-point scale:
<80:  Unacceptable
80 – 83:  Acceptable
83 – 87:  Good
87 – 90:  Very Good
90 – 94:  Excellent
94 – 98:  Superb
98 – 100:  Classic

The Contestants

Brand:  Dasani Plus
Company:  Coca-Cola
Claims to fame:  vitamin enhanced, zero calories, “cleanse and restore”
Notable ingredients: Vitamins E, B3, B5, B6, B12; sucralose
Calories:  none
Taste: "almost gag inducing", "got worse the more you drank", "gross"
Ranking:  81.25

Brand:  Life Water
Company:  Sobe Beverages
Claims to fame:  vitamin enhanced, “herbal content”
Notable ingredients: Taurine, ginseng; Vitamins C, E, B5, B6, B12
Calories:  100
Taste: "tastes like Juicy Juice", "powdery and unpleasant finish"
Ranking:  83.62

Brand:  Vitamin Water Formula 50
Company:  Glaceau
Claims to fame:  vitamin enhanced, endorsed by rapper 50 Cent.
Notable ingredients: Vitamins E, B3, B5, B6, B12, C
Calories:  125 (that’s 'fiddy' per serving)
Taste: "riding a nice middle ground", "mild and somewhat appealing flavor"
Ranking:  85.50

Brand:  Propel Invigorating Water
Company:  Gatorade
Claims to fame:  vitamin enhanced, contains 20 mg caffeine
Notable ingredients: Caffeine; Vitamins B5, B6, B12
Calories:  20
Taste: "very fruity", "a little medicinal", no "weird aftertaste"
Ranking:  87.12

Brand:  Propel Fit Water
Company:  Gatorade
Claims to fame:  “vitamins” (seriously, that’s all it says; not “contains vitamins” or “vitamin enhanced”)
Notable ingredients: Vitamins C, E, B5, B6, B12; sucralose
Calories:  30
Taste: "watery in a good way", "better balance of water and flavor", "I could drink a bottle of this"
Ranking:  87.87

Brand:  Snapple Antioxidant Water
Company:  Snapple
Claims to fame:  vitamins, electrolytes, antioxidants; “The power to defy” (aging, but I’m not sure how they measure something like that)
Notable ingredients: Vitamins A and E; calcium; grape seed extract; real juice; real sugar
Calories:  120
Taste: "horrible--can’t overstate that", "bland"
Ranking:  84.75

Brand:  Powerade Option
Company:  Coca-Cola
Claims to fame:  B vitamins; 80% fewer calories than the leading sports drink (Gatorade, I assume)
Notable ingredients: Vitamins B6 and B12; sucralose
Calories:  40
Taste: "extremely sweet", "way too sweet", "reminded me I need to go to the dentist"
Ranking:  81.50

And the Winner is...
The overall winner was Propel Fit Water, with Propel Invigorating Water coming in a very close second. The graph shows the drinks in order of consumption--which was chosen at random. Due to the parabolic results, I assume our taste buds could only handle so much of this stuff.

--Spanno

What to Drink for St. Patrick's Day: Dessert!

Once you'd had your fill of corned beef and cabbage, you'll need something sweet to wash it all down. This post is dedicated to fired McDonald's spokesthing, Uncle O'Grimacey.

First off, Irish Ice Cream Soda, from Serious Eats.

Irish Ice Cream Soda

Ingredients:
1 generous scoop of Ben & Jerry's Dublin Mudslide ice cream
1 12-ounce bottle Guinness stout
1/2 ounce Bailey's Irish Cream liqueur
Chocolate shavings, for garnish

Directions:
1. Spoon the ice cream into a pint glass.
2. Pour in the beer, tilting the glass to reduce foaming.
3. Drizzle with Bailey's and sprinkle with chocolate shavings.

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Next up, we have something a little harder, but in the same vein as the last one.

Shamrock

Ingredients:
1 ounce Bailey's Irish Cream liqueur
1 ounce Kahlua coffee liqueur
1 ounce Jameson Irish whiskey

Directions:
Serve over ice. (If you serve it over a glass of Guinness, it's called a Belfast Carbomb.)

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And finally, something your kids can enjoy (legally)...

McDonald's Shamrock Shake

Ingredients:
Vanilla "shake"
Mint extract
Green dye

Directions:
1. Go to McDonald's
2. Order a Shamrock Shake

--Spanno

Food Fight Short Film

This is genius.

"Food Fight is an abridged history of American-centric war, from World War II to present day, told through the foods of the countries in conflict. Watch as traditional comestibles slug it out for world domination in this chronologically re-enacted smorgasbord of aggression."

--Spanno

Coke Embraces Mother Russia; Pepsi to Be Re-Educated

Coca-Cola is about to become even redder. According to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, "Coca-Cola...is counting on the Russian economy to play a significant role in fueling growth."

Prior to the collapse of Communism, Pepsi, or "Pepski", was the dominant U.S. cola in the old Soviet Union. They now hold only 20% of the vodka mixer soft drink market, while Cokeski holds 36%.

Both cola makers are pumping serious money into marketing and distribution in Russia. Coke is trying to get in good with the new "president" of Russia, Dmitry Medvedevevdedvev, while Pepsi is trying to buy into Russia's lucrative vodka mixer juice market.

Pepsi was a favorite of Nikita Khrushchev, who also enjoyed long walks on the beach, puppies, and shoe percussion. Vladimir Putin, on the other hand, drinks the souls of whoever looks upon him. And famous 80's Russian boxer and soft drink spokescharacter, Soda Popinski, once said, "I drink to prepare for a fight. Tonight I am very prepared." He didn't specify which soft drink he preferred.

--Comrade Spanno