It seems like anyone with a half-decent food blog has a six-figure book deal. Heck, you don't even need a real blog. Just look at thisiswhyourefat.com--it's just a series of photos. So why don't I have a blog-to-book deal? I'll tell you why. It's because I don't have a niche. The secret to getting paid for your blogging efforts is to consistently write about a very specific topic. The editor of baconunwrapped.com just released her first book a few months ago. Guess what it's about!
Writing a book takes a lot of time--unless you're James Patterson. It seems like that guy puts out a new book every month. You also have to be really passionate about the subject. I love bacon but I couldn't write 200 pages on it. Nobody invented bacon. And it's not like anyone cares about the history of bacon. I could include a bunch of recipes with bacon, but after a while it'd just be a recipe for something normal and then the last step would be "place bacon strips on top".
For enough money I would write a book about anything. Half a mil could get some desperate publisher a 1,000-page treatise on cauliflower. And I hate the stuff. Unfortunately, the topics I'm interested in would barely make a decent blog, let alone a compelling novel. Here are a few hypothetical books, along with synopses, that I'll probably never get paid to write.
Arby's: They Suck Now
How many times can Arby's mess up their signature sandwich and not give out their signature sauce before customers stop going to Arby's? You'll find out in this biting satire written from the point of view of an Arby's manager who's out to take down the entire company one dry beef 'n cheddar at a time.
Eating Food Isn't a Sport
Is everything competitive really a sport? Not according to this author. He redefines the word so that everyday occurrences--like eating or walking--aren't put into the same category as actual skill-based competitions.
Cilantro: The Devils Food
The Devil, tired of his usual tricks, invents a food that people claim to like, but really it tastes like rotting fruit. Eventually it tears the country apart, leading to the death of millions. One man, armed with a perfect palate and the truth, tries to make everyone see the light before it's too late.
Cake v. Pie
Published by Marvel Comics, this graphic novel pits Cake against Pie in a series of pointless no-holds-barred fights. Beautifully drawn and light on dialog, Cake and Pie play chess, eat pizza, explore a cave, and rent a movie. However, they always get into a fight and trash the place. Spoiler alert...Cake wins.
Hot Dogs Are Funny
Finally! After what seems like months, Spanno finally put all his hot-dog-based posts into the funniest hot dog coffee table book ever written. The photos might make your lose your appetite, but the captions will make you thirsty from laughing so hard that you cry a lot and become dehydrated. On second thought, you probably shouldn't read this one.
The Audacity of Baconnaise
From the shadows of meat-based bacon-flavored foods, emerges Baconnaise, potential hero to all who love the taste of bacon. But can Baconnaise bridge the widening division between vegetarians and normal people? Or will it appeal to no one?
Ode to the Shamrock Shake
Nobody thought it was possible to write 5,000 poems, songs, limericks, sonnets, ballads, and haiku's about McDonald's Shamrock Shake, let alone 10,000 poems, songs, limericks, sonnets, ballads, and haiku's about the venerable seasonal dessert.
"Sideways" is Stupid, Pinot Noir Isn't That Good, and Napa Valley is Overrated
The author seems to be working out some personal frustrations here. With a title this long, you'd think the book would be longer. In the meager 25 pages he manages to insult his family, his friends, the entire state of California, France, pinot grapes, indie films, the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy, merlot (ironically), and, oddly, Spider-Man 3.
--Spanno
