Al Dente

Are You the Cucumber Bandit?

As reported recently on the 9 News site, “More than $10,000 worth of cucumbers have been stolen in 11 separate robberies in the past three months” in Adelaide, Australia. This is an outrage. Think of the deprivation occurring: no Chicago style hot dogs? No cucumber relish? No pickles down the road a bit? What kind of wicked criminal could devise such a dastardly vegetable demise? And will this mastermind hold those cukes hostage? Police are stymied, because, as Chief Kym Zander said, “The issue with the cucumber is, how do you and I tell who owns a different cucumber?” I call on any cucumber thieves reading this: turn yourselves in today.

But seriously, what could one do with $10,000 worth of cucumbers? Start a cucumber sandwich takeout business? I love cucumber salad, but don’t think I could eat it for months on end. Or am I missing something entirely that cucumbers are good for, some dish or invention that makes a giant cucumber heist worth it? Let me know, cucumber fanatics, and I promise not to turn you in to the cops.

--A.J. Rathbun

"Crunch Berries" Aren't Real Berries

Poor Cap'n Crunch. Not only does he have to avoid Somali pirates, he was recently sued over the questionable marketing of his famous crunch berries.Turns out crunch berries aren't real berries. Shocking, I know. A judge for the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of California dismissed a lawsuit claiming that the Cap'n deceived the public about the true nature of crunch berries. The judge stated, "So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world."

This whole mess could have been avoided if the Cap'n hadn't removed the "imitation berries" slogan from Crunch Berries boxes. Incidentally, the Cap'n looks more youthful lately--bigger smile and no bags under his eyes. Botox?

 

Read more about the lawsuit at Lowering the Bar.

--Spanno

Burger King Taps Sir Mix-a-Lot for a SpongeBob Promo

Sir Mix-a-Lot was probably very busy mixing--he does it a lot--but somehow ($$$) Burger King got him to do a parody of "Baby Got Back" for a SpongeBob Squarepants promotion. While it is extremely funny, I'm not sure it's entirely kid-friendly.

--Spanno

Billy Mays Hates Vince Offer

Better get your ShamWow and SlapChop soon. Billy Mays is mad as hell and he's out to end Vince Offer's career.

A couple years ago, perpetual pitchman Billy Mays hawked infomercial classics like the Zorbeez and the QuickChop. He's since moved on to bigger and better products like Oxyclean and the Big City Slider Station, but technically still sells the older products. In 2007, upstart pitchman and gross-out comedian Vince "You'll love my nuts" Offer essentially ripped off Billy Mays' Zorbeez, using infomercials to sell what he called the ShamWow--peddling millions of the orange and purple towels. In late 2008, Vince moved on to a QuickChop knockoff called the SlapChop. That infomercial has become somewhat of a internet hit. Here it is.

How did Billy Mays take all this? Not very well. On February 10, 2009, Billy Mays went on the Adam Carolla show to air his grievances (listen here). In addition to calling the SlapChop a "crapchop", Billy warned Vince, "I'm coming after you".

The two had shared a suite at the 2009 Superbowl--hosted by the owners of a mutual call center. The meeting nearly came to fisticuffs. Vince later apologized, but Billy refused to accept. During the Carolla interview he challenged Vince to a "pitch off".

Here's how I imagine it would go...

Billy: Hi! Billy Mays here with an amazing deal for your face!
Vince: Yo, it's Vince. You'll love my fist.
Billy: Try it and I'll double the offer! That's two black eyes for the price of one!
Vince:  I'll slap the beard off your face, old man.
Billy: If you act now, I'll throw in a free boot!
Vince:You'll be saying "ow" everytime you try to eat.

And it just goes on like that for a good twenty minutes.

--Spanno

Culinary Discrimination Hits the Small Town of Lucca, Italy?

What does Italy think it is, France?

According to this article, the tiny town of Lucca, near Florence, Italy, has imposed a ban on ethnic cuisine. The article quotes city spokesperson Massimo Di Grazia, "That means no new kebabs, Thai or Lebanese restaurants."

Now, before you get your knickers in a twist, let me tell you the "official" reason for this ban. You see, Lucca is a medieval town and this is an attempt by the city to preserve the authenticity of the experience for the flocks of tourists.

So, that's sort of like the restaurant rules for the Venetian or Paris casinos in Vegas, right? I mean, you don't want to ruin the authenticity of your fake gondola ride by eating a hot dog en route. Best to stick with some gelato.

However, the article does note that a French restaurant will be allowed within the medieval jurisdiction. Though Sicilian restaurants might be banned due to their occasional use of Middle Eastern ingredients. Hmmm.

Readers, what do you think? Smart tourism, or culinary discrimination?

Discuss.

--KitchenMaus

p.s. Thanks go davidlebovitz on Twitter for retweeting this news from contexttravel! Readers, don't forget to join us on Twitter so we can get the dish on all your culinary goings-on.

Ultimate Snack Food Stadium

The sick geniuses over at HolyTaco.com have created the ultimate snack food stadium. Ingredients include one pound of guacamole, one pound of bacon, and 58 Twinkies. If that doesn't amaze/disgust you, here's the nutritional breakdown.

TOTAL CALORIES: 24,375
TOTAL GRAMS OF FAT: 1,285
TOTAL COST: $86.47
TOTAL DELICIOUSNESS: 1 Billion trillion dude. One billion trillion.

Read about the entire process, all the ingredients, and the optional summer sausage blimp at HolyTaco.com. 

--Spanno

Domino's/Subway Battle Gets Legaly, Firey

Earlier this month, Subway's lawyers sent Domino's a letter asking them to stop promoting their taste test claims. According to Jeff Moody, CEO of Subway, "They are false." One of his four complaints with the test (detailed at AdWeek.com) blamed vegetables for the loss. Said the moody Moody, "They made every Subway sandwich the same and based the build on our pictures, which include all the veggies. The majority of consumers don't add all the veggies." Domino's sandwiches are notably devoid of veggies.

So what did Domino's do with that letter? They baked it, of course. Here's double-first-named Domino's CEO, David A. Brandon setting the letter ablaze in one of their pizza/sandwich ovens (video here). Said Brandon, "This is as much fun as a good, old-fashioned school cafeteria food fight."

 

A national taste test conducted in my imagination showed that people preferred Domino's-baked Subway legal letters 2-to-1 over Subway-baked Domino's legal letters.

--Spanno

Pepsi is Pop, Not Soda

Like "horseless carriage", "talkies", and "supper", "soda" is officially an antiquated term. In the long-running "soda vs. pop" debate, Pepsi finally took a side. This screenshot from their new ad campaign "Refresh Everything" boldly declares Pepsi's allegiance to crappy logos the "pop" label.

As you can see by this map, most of country calls carbonated beverages either "pop" or "Coke". With Pepsi's declaration, the strange minority who uses the term "soda" will now have to join the rest of us in the 21st century.

--Spanno

Taco Bell's Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch May be Divine

Hot on the heels of their summer sensation, the Bacon Club Chalupa, Taco Bell recently introduced the Bacon Cheddar Gordita Crunch. It's only a matter of hours before I eat one, but I imagine it tastes a lot like heaven. I know what you're thinking, "Spanno, how could you possibly know that?" Well, I'll tell you. I've had bacon and it tastes like heaven. I've also had plenty of Cheesy Gordita Crunches. They taste a little like heaven. Not as much as bacon, but they have their heavenly attributes. Ok, now you're thinking, "No, dummy, how do you know what heaven tastes like?" Well, Mr. Smartypants, you've obviously never had bacon.

And in case you're questioning the logic, "Bacon and Cheddar make it better!", the calories have increased from 560 (original Cheesy Gordita Crunch) to 600 per "little fat girl".

--Spanno

Happy Festivus Eve

If you're not sure what to serve for Festivus tomorrow, CHOW has come up with a wonderful menu for you. The five-course meal begins with Bacon-Thyme Corn Muffin Tops and ends with German Chocolate Cake. Of course, your guests may leave after the airing of grievances, but that's the chance you take when you celebrate Festivus.

And be sure to kick everything off with a Festivus Martini (from The Gainesville Sun).

Festivus Martini

Ingredients:
2 ounces Smirnoff Citrus vodka
.75 ounces gingerbread liqueur
1 splash cranberry juice

Directions:
1. Put ice in a mixing tin and shake all the ingredients together.
2. Pour in a chilled martini glass.

--Spanno