Culinary Books I'll Never Get Paid to Write
It seems like anyone with a half-decent food blog has a six-figure book deal. Heck, you don't even need a real blog. Just look at thisiswhyourefat.com--it's just a series of photos. So why don't I have a blog-to-book deal? I'll tell you why. It's because I don't have a niche. The secret to getting paid for your blogging efforts is to consistently write about a very specific topic. The editor of baconunwrapped.com just released her first book a few months ago. Guess what it's about!
Writing a book takes a lot of time--unless you're James Patterson. It seems like that guy puts out a new book every month. You also have to be really passionate about the subject. I love bacon but I couldn't write 200 pages on it. Nobody invented bacon. And it's not like anyone cares about the history of bacon. I could include a bunch of recipes with bacon, but after a while it'd just be a recipe for something normal and then the last step would be "place bacon strips on top".
For enough money I would write a book about anything. Half a mil could get some desperate publisher a 1,000-page treatise on cauliflower. And I hate the stuff. Unfortunately, the topics I'm interested in would barely make a decent blog, let alone a compelling novel. Here are a few hypothetical books, along with synopses, that I'll probably never get paid to write.
Arby's: They Suck Now
How many times can Arby's mess up their signature sandwich and not give out their signature sauce before customers stop going to Arby's? You'll find out in this biting satire written from the point of view of an Arby's manager who's out to take down the entire company one dry beef 'n cheddar at a time.
Eating Food Isn't a Sport
Is everything competitive really a sport? Not according to this author. He redefines the word so that everyday occurrences--like eating or walking--aren't put into the same category as actual skill-based competitions.
Cilantro: The Devils Food
The Devil, tired of his usual tricks, invents a food that people claim to like, but really it tastes like rotting fruit. Eventually it tears the country apart, leading to the death of millions. One man, armed with a perfect palate and the truth, tries to make everyone see the light before it's too late.
Cake v. Pie
Published by Marvel Comics, this graphic novel pits Cake against Pie in a series of pointless no-holds-barred fights. Beautifully drawn and light on dialog, Cake and Pie play chess, eat pizza, explore a cave, and rent a movie. However, they always get into a fight and trash the place. Spoiler alert...Cake wins.
Hot Dogs Are Funny
Finally! After what seems like months, Spanno finally put all his hot-dog-based posts into the funniest hot dog coffee table book ever written. The photos might make your lose your appetite, but the captions will make you thirsty from laughing so hard that you cry a lot and become dehydrated. On second thought, you probably shouldn't read this one.
The Audacity of Baconnaise
From the shadows of meat-based bacon-flavored foods, emerges Baconnaise, potential hero to all who love the taste of bacon. But can Baconnaise bridge the widening division between vegetarians and normal people? Or will it appeal to no one?
Ode to the Shamrock Shake
Nobody thought it was possible to write 5,000 poems, songs, limericks, sonnets, ballads, and haiku's about McDonald's Shamrock Shake, let alone 10,000 poems, songs, limericks, sonnets, ballads, and haiku's about the venerable seasonal dessert.
"Sideways" is Stupid, Pinot Noir Isn't That Good, and Napa Valley is Overrated
The author seems to be working out some personal frustrations here. With a title this long, you'd think the book would be longer. In the meager 25 pages he manages to insult his family, his friends, the entire state of California, France, pinot grapes, indie films, the entire cast of Grey's Anatomy, merlot (ironically), and, oddly, Spider-Man 3.
--Spanno
amie on June 17, 2009 at 01:37 PM
Funny stuff-- I'd read "Sideways" is Stupid, Pinot Noir Isn't That Good, and Napa Valley is Overrated.
sal on June 17, 2009 at 04:32 PM
Cake vs. Pie is so much better than the follow up, Torte vs. Tart. I hear in the third installment, they team up and go after Creme Fraiche and Whipped Cream. I can't wait!
Modesto M. Gutierrez on June 18, 2009 at 08:00 AM
Thank God, Somebody who actually tastes food! Cilantro is not the Devil's spice, the Devil has too much class for that, forked tongue and all. How many times have you watched a food show where the preperation and quality of food was fit for a Ceasar, only to have the host pile on a hay bale worth of cilantro rendering the whole dish as toxic as Three Mile Island. Perhaps if you were The Count of Monte Cristo and was locked up in a stone tower for years and developed a taste for the green stuff growing on the damp stone walls you might, just might, try Cilantro. It could be that Cilantro is one of those aquired tastes, like Retsina, but be thankful it's not a required taste!
Dani on June 18, 2009 at 11:37 AM
The Shamrock Shake Experience: A food or drink that you cannot stop consuming, merely because you cannot believe something could actually taste so horrible.
Be it every year or every few minutes...you keep tasting, because it's just not possible! So you taste again, for science!
Beth on June 18, 2009 at 02:10 PM
Why would cake win? I would think that pie would be denser, and would have a weight advantage. Maybe cake is just craftier.
Bacon Girl on June 18, 2009 at 09:51 PM
I personally would LOVE to read a book on bacon. I can think of many aspects that would be interesting: history, interesting uses (bacon ice cream, bacon in chocolate bars, bacon jam, etc.). Is this really a food blog?
SteveL on June 19, 2009 at 04:29 PM
Pie would win every time! And cilantro is awesome!
RR Ryan on June 19, 2009 at 04:39 PM
I have to admit that I still like Arby's, but I hate that cheddar cheese sause. If you want to play with their heads, wait until they have one of those promotions with the regular Arby's at full price and the Arby's and Cheddar on sale. Then tell them you want the Arby's and Cheddar without the cheese sauce. And the Horsey sauce is still good. As for cilantro, I can't get enough. The local Argentine restaurants her in LA make dipping sauce for bread that consists of olive oil, chopped cilantro, garlic and hot pepper. Delicious.
Mendicant Optimist on June 19, 2009 at 04:41 PM
I actually love cilantro so much that I sometimes surreptitiously crush a leaf in the produce section just to get a fix off the aroma. And nothing improves a plate of wings like dropping a bale of cilantro on it. I need to stop typing now because I'm getting a head rush just thinking about it.
Techie on June 19, 2009 at 04:46 PM
People that don't like Cilantro have a genetic defect. It's proven science.
Mythilt on June 19, 2009 at 05:08 PM
Please, come on. This is Marvel you are talking about, Cake and Pie would be released in 2 editions (With holofoil covers) in one, Cake wins, in the other, Pie. The comics would be completely identical except for the last 2 pages, and both would cost about 12 bucks.
(A sequel would be written immediately, where the loser comes back from the dead of course.)
Kev on June 19, 2009 at 05:33 PM
I don't think Arby's sucks, and it doesn't bother me if they don't put Arby's sauce on the Beef and Cheddar, because I usually ask for them to leave it off so I can put Horsey Sauce on it.
But I don't go there as much as I might, for a completely different reason: I'm convinced that Arby's is 75% air. I really like the food, but I'm hungry again a few hours after I eat there.
KR on June 19, 2009 at 05:55 PM
So in Cake vs Pie, which side does cheesecake fight for?
Gordon Winslow on June 19, 2009 at 08:17 PM
Cake and Pie? What about Milk & Cheese?
http://www.houseoffun.com/milkandcheese/index.html
Mike on June 19, 2009 at 08:24 PM
Cake has no soul, pie toys with cake and they knocks it out.
SDN on June 19, 2009 at 08:55 PM
Call me a Philistine, but I actually think Arby's ought to sell Arby's Sauce in the grocery stores. I mean it's way better than Taco Hell's lame-ass picante sauce....
Robbins Mitchell on June 19, 2009 at 11:14 PM
Well,I always thought Arby's sucked...back in the day,Roy Rogers' roast beef sandwich was always the prime choice and Arby's was the also ran...I used to eat at RR's once a week or so...the beef was always juicy and tender and Arby's dry and tough by comparison...the last time I went to Arby's with an out of town friend to eat, we ordered milk and they guy behind the counter couldn't even speak passable English,and when our sandwiches were ready,we asked where the milk was and were told they don't have milk....we both left without a word...and without eating....not going back there any time soon.