Top Five Food-Related Threats, March Edition
Here are the top five food-related threats facing the world this month.
#5. Downer Cow Peddler, Steve Mendell
On May 12, 2008, Steve "Mad Cow" Mendell, president of Westland/Hallmark Meat Co., was hauled in front of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce's Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations, better known as HCOEACSOOAI, to answer toothless questions regarding a video that showed "downer" cows being forced to enter slaughter chutes. As everyone knows, only the healthy ones go quietly. The video led to a recall of all beef produced in that Chino, CA facility--143 million pounds--since February 1, 2006. Roughly 100% of that beef had already been consumed, most of it by kids, but it's the thought that counts, right?
#4. Food Network Siren, Paula Deen
Paula hates your heart and is trying to stop it. After numerous cardiac assaults with fried butter balls, bacon-wrapped fried mac 'n cheese, and Velvetta and butter fudge, she dropped her MOAB (Mother of all Burgers) this month: the bacon, egg, and cheese burger on two donuts. It solidified her as an evil genius bent on keeping our mouths watering and hearts fibrillating.
#3. Starbucks' Shift Supervisors
Over the past eight years, these evil "agents" of Starbucks stole $100 million from Starbucks' California baristas. The coffee proletariat revolted against their bourgeoisie masters and a San Diegan judge ordered the capitalist pigs company to pay over $100 million in back tips to the baristas. Despite performing the same duties as baristas and pulling down a whopping $1.50/hour extra, Starbucks' shift supervisors, according to California labor laws, are "agents" of Starbucks, and cannot be given money from the tip jar.
#2. Chip Pimp, Steven Colbert
Last week on the Colbert Report, Colbert announced that the show's Pennsylvania presidential primary coverage would be sponsored by his long-time political sponsor, Doritos. Doritos is owned by Commie-loving PepsiCo.--the first American cola in Russia. Pepski just finalized a $1.4 billion deal to buy Russian juice maker JSC Lebedyansky, solidifying their stake in Russia's soft drink market. American democracy is sponsored by various multi-national corporations, which sharply contrasts Russia's Gazprom-sponsored democracy. So until Colbert gains two or three more sponsors, every time he sinks his teeth into those Sweet Spicy Chili chips, democracy dies a little.
#1. Pop-Tarts
A study released this month stated that breakfast is extremely important for kids who don't want to be fat. A pediatrician interviewed for an article on the study specifically called out Pop-Tarts as not being breakfast worthy, despite their essential vitamins and minerals. Two conclusions can be reached from this: Pop-Tarts will make you fat--which is the same as not eating breakfast--or eating Pop-Tarts is worse than not eating breakfast. I guess it really doesn't matter--according to Pillsbury, every kid's school locker is filled with uneaten Pop-Tarts and the kids just end up eating their friend's Toaster Strudel.
--Spanno
Techie on March 31, 2008 at 01:24 PM
Paula Dean will outlive us all.
Anonymous on November 25, 2008 at 07:45 PM
perhaps you missed it....Colbert is a pundit, yes?